Saturday, 11 March 2017

I've failed, but am not a failure...

Today I feel like a failure. I've committed to too many things, thus each thing is not given as much attention as I deserved. And one of those things is suffering, and I've let someone important down.

I've fucked up and I feel like shit.

This is failure.

It's not an all encompassing failure and it's one I know I'll recover from. In the Grand-Scheme-Of-Things this failure at this point in time isn't a pivotal moment in my life that'll send me into a downward spiral.

I hope.

But still, this failure isn't... good. It's failure because there was a thing/things I should've done... and didn't. 

"Empowering" youtube videos tell me that we should look at failure as opportunities for growth, to see it as a good thing, nothing to be afraid or ashamed of.

Which I can see. Failure shouldn't be something to be afraid of. Being wrong must be something we can face up to. It's uncomfortable but it's something we just have to sit with, when it arrives.

I'm trying self-compassion. I'm telling myself that I've fucked up, this is why, and here's how to be better next time. But also that's there next time, it's not the end of the world, and here's how to move on.

I'm sad and stressed and tired today.

Saturday, 11 February 2017

The Weird Pressure To Be Inspirational

I find it so uncomfortable when people tell me they're inspired by me, or my writing, or my achievements. It's already weird hearing it from people my age and younger but exponentially weirder when it's from people older than me, with experiences and wisdom than I do.

This doesn't happen daily (ew gerrara hea with your L-list status, L for le kaulia).

But in the last few months or so, it seems that because I've inspired people... I have to keep up with it...?

I don't want to let people down; people who've seen... idk, hope? In me.

I feel like I have to keep remembering all the unheard voices who I suppose I speak on behalf of when I'm the only Samoan in the room, or Samoan woman, or young Samoan woman.

I'm scared that I'll do something that people will consider useless and unimportant and not representative of us all (who is "us"? "LOL").

One of the scariest things about writing at the moment, is feeling the need to write everyone's voice, include everyone's perspective. That writing in my own selfish voice, about myself and my own opinions, is just feeding into a world of people yelling on top of each other and not listening to other people's opinions.

I don't mean to yell at all.

I just want to write.

I want to listen to people who agree and disagree with me, and those who are undecided.

But ultimately, the only voice I can ever be sure of representing correctly is my own.

If sooner or later, I become irrelevant or uninspirational, will I continue to write?

I hope so.

Because writing for others was never my primary cause. I always wrote to think through my own confusion. To find my courage to voice things I was ashamed of: about myself and the world I live in. Writing was a very inward thing. But it did (it does?) resonate with people. So does this version of selfishness actually help others?

I'm still trying to find my balance of writing for myself and writing for others... and I want to use this blog more often as part of that figuring out journey.

Two blogs in one day? Yeah. I feel an adrenaline rn. Not even gonna edit #yolo

Why So Serious

I've been so stressed out lately about writing a new blog post. I've been giving my the usual verbal self-flagellation: You should've written a new post to welcome in the new year, why haven't you posted anything this month, just cos you've been paid for writing (only twice) doesn't mean you should neglect your blog you sellout.

It goes on and on and on.

 I've drafted several incomplete blog posts that I think aren't that interesting. And when I do think it's interesting, I wonder if it's something I should develop into something that I could be paid for.

Is it lame that I want money so much?

Or just normal, to want to be paid for my labour?

Se ka'ilo.

All I know is, I miss the careful nonsensical word vomiting that I loved with blogging. I miss being able to spill my guts without worrying about formatting, or flow, or thinking about my "readership" (oka), or any of those things that people consider when they transition into being a.... real? writer....

But I want to come to my roots of selfish cathartic writing.

Because I'm struggling with every other type of writing right now.

Monday, 12 December 2016

Back 2 Basics

It's approaching that time of the year in which people start thinking up new year's resolutions that they may not be that serious about keeping. 

It's also approaching that time of the year in which people roll their eyes at the concept of New Years and say it's a useless arbitrary measure of time that doesn't make a difference in people's lives, and we should we working to make ourselves better all year round.

Other people are just planning what New Year's party they'd like to pass out at.

I want to use this part of the year to reflect (what a novel idea! How uniquely introspective of me!).

How far have I come since this time last year?

In what ways have I regressed?

How I have grown?

What are some regrets?

And,

What do I want?

What do I want from 2017? And what sacrifices am I willing to make to get it?

What do I want?

What do I honestly want,

For right now, in a year's time, further than that?

What work must I put in, for what I want,

what I really want?

Monday, 31 October 2016

Constantly Playing Dress-Up

I'm 22 now and I don't feel like an adult. 

I'm the sixth of seven kids and I've always looked up to my older siblings as examples of how to be a person. They're who I got my taste in music in, who I shared my geeky and fobby upbringing with, and they often filled parenting shoes in taking care of and (for which I'm utterly grateful for). I've always felt like a child next to them, from when I was a child, up until right now. 

I told my sister that I didn't feel like an adult and looked at me and said, "Why??... But you are...".

But I am.

She stated it with such certainty.

I kept thinking it over and over again until I really felt that yeah, I am an adult.

I work, [struggle to] pay bills, make myself do necessarily unpleasant task (university assignments haha), and am planning for life after uni.

After always living as the almost-youngest child, I'm so used to waiting for instruction of what to do, how to behave, where to go, and especially where not to go.

But now... the ball is really in my court...

I'm no longer bound to anything but my own mind. My decisions are for me to contemplate over, make, then  stand by.

Which was a thought that used to terrify me. I was still so used to doing what was expected of me that when that authority lessened... I didn't know how much of old expectations to keep and which ones to walk away from.

I now realise that that's what adulthood is... sifting through all I've learnt and deciding what lessons were valuable and what don't fit anymore. I've learnt that I should do what I want. I think (at a very simplified version) there are two wants: what I want right now in each given situation and what I ultimately want.

I'm in the process of figuring what I ultimately want and whether my daily wants align with that. 

Whenever I put on mascara and lipstick, I still feel like I'm playing dress-up, that I'm still pretending to be an adult. But when I do something I truly believe in even though it scares me shitless, I feel like I'm growing into my adulthood a little bit more...

I still feel like a child when I'm with my family though... hahaha

Thursday, 27 October 2016

Death

On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
- Fight Club
I sometimes think about what would happen if I died crossing the road, or eating something accidentally poisonous, or if something heavy fell on my head (like when??? but WHO KNOWS), or if an earthquake will destroy my rickety as flat with me in it. 

Who knows when death is coming for me, for any of us.

I plan my life like I'll die of old age peacefully in my sleep, without considering the tragic alternative of dying young.

It's not like I'm keen to meet my fate now - my suicidal days of 2012 haven't really resurfaced (with any real force) so don't worry about that.

I just wonder sometimes if the traumatising affect of death lies partially in our weird lowkey denial of it until it hits. People throw around (and maybe not completely seriously) the "inspirational" line, "live today as if it's your last". But how would we live like it's our last?

Would we send messages to friends we've lost touch with. Will we apologise for deeply shameful acts (that people may not even know about). Will we finally confess love or hate to people we've been too afraid to? Would we write funeral requests?


Mmmm funerals... such a financial and stressful thing to organise when rational planning is probably the last thing one wants to do when grieving. Coffins and headstones man... the funeral bidness must be banging!

Would my loved ones allow me to be buried as almost naked as possible so I can be a part of the circle of life instead of being in a cushiony box that I won't be able to appreciate? If I asked my friends to, will they include the shitty/dark parts of me in their eulogy, so I'm not made out to be greater than I really am? Being dead isn't gonna change who I was when I was alive... and that sentence sounds so stupidly simple haha. 

Are funerals about the grieving people's need for closure more than about the deceased? If so, I guess none of my funeral requests matter. 


Death is a weird thing. I don't know how to come to terms with it. I don't really believe in an afterlife or heaven or whatever. Neither do I absolutely reject the possibility of it. I'm just not convinced. 

Death is the inevitable for all of us and we honestly cannot pin point when each of our time is. People who I bring up this topic to often tell me not to think/talk about this cos it's so morbid. But isn't it only morbid because we haven't come to terms the inevitability of it. Because we haven't learnt to live with death?

Or is life and death so fundamentally differently that we really can't come to terms with it until we're dead........?

Hahaha i don't know man.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

The Urgent Need For Self-Love

Real thoughts running through my mind:

You do this all the time - you're so fucking lazy.

That's what you get when you sleep all weekend.

You said you could handle it but you can't, you lied, you failed.

Shame, you're suffering the same way those you thought you could do better than, did.

You're a fake and phoney and I wish I never laid eyes on you!

You're disappointing so many people.

You've fallen behind, there is no catching up.

You think you're so cool, when underneath it all, you have no idea what you're doing.

You're so unreliable and have let people down multiple times, I'm surprised they still talk to you.

You're a selfish friend that is only out for benefits but aren't truly investing in people.

You're wasting your time, your work isn't meaningful. The work you should be focused on is jeopardized. You've failed.



You're so mean when you talk,
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head,
Make them like you instead. 
- P!NK ("Fuckin' Perfect")

Sunday, 28 August 2016

Single and not quite ready to mingle

The post-relationship blues has finally settled in, two weeks after the break-up... and it sucks.

I thought a rebound guy would a quick way to release these pent up emotions but I couldn't find a suitable balance between a guy who I wouldn't possibly date in the future (so who cares about the awkward aftermath) but someone who will be respectful and honest enough that we could have open communication about our expectations.

So instead, I just stayed busy with the many other things that required my attention - reading for uni, assignments, writing, attending meetings, planning events, and panicking about what to do next year.

I haven't really paused to think about the breakup, until the past two days.

I did that thing where I remembered him as the most perfect boyfriend ever and omg did we make the right choice by splitting up? I'd make a mental list of all they ways he was great and worried that he might have been THE one, and what if I don't find another guy as cool as him, what if I have to settle when I grow up, is he the one that got away?????

Then I remembered to breathe and step back a bit and remembered what it felt like just before the breakup and remembered why I was so adamant about it and remember that we did think about it, talked about, its what we both wanted in the end. I remembered that was as flawed as the rest of us, with his own ish to deal with... that there were parts of him that were problematic...

I remembered that we both compromised as much as we could and it just wasn't enough to bridge the distance between us and what we needed. We were both quite fond of each other, loved each other even. But ours wasn't a DEFY ALL OBSTACLES kind of love. We'd committed ourselves to things and people other than each other to be the most important things. I've read somewhere that the only romantic love that's worth pursuing is a mad love, a love of inexplicable passion. Ours was a quieter love. The kind of love that ignored morning breath, pretended not to be bored when keeping the other person company while they studied, pretended not be hungry AF and let the other person finish the food, and the kind of love that took deep breaths before starting difficult conversations.

It wasn't a tragic or dramatic end. Buts its a really sad end. Its an end that requires some self-care and a slow resetting of my life and heart again, ready for the next beginning...

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Safe Space

Hello blogosphere,

I'm starting to build somewhat of public/professional image...

The stuff I've been writing for my uni's student magazine is slowly (although it feels rapid AF) circulating beyond my expected audience (my friends) and I'm not as invisible as I was this time last year, and I'm scared of becoming more and more seen.

I'm a leader, both institutionally but also socially. I'm not comfortable with this thought - that I'm a leader.

I don't feel comfortable with the pressure of being someone people might look up to, I don't want to think that the way I live or the things I do are in any way a standard that anyone who isn't me should be measured against.

I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, of saying something that would reflect poorly on whoever I'm perceived to be representing. I'm scared of being seen as less than. I'm freakin scared of letting people down. Never mind that their expectations of me might be unreasonable and ill-informed... the fear of being underwhelming paralyzes me.

And I don't want it to.

I know this fear is unreasonable.

I know there are steps to take, people to talk to, habits to replace...

But for now, I just need to know that my blog is still here for me to say what I want, as often (or not) as I want, and that I don't need to have to answers for anyone else, not even for myself.

I realise that these feelings are not unique to me, but they're still mine.

Friday, 15 July 2016

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends (3)

Me: I've been too busy to be sad - but I've allocated Saturday to spend the day crying and stuff. I'm gonna get up, mope, make coffee, cry, vacuum, be mopey some more, sigh lots, cry, and watch The Wire.

A.S: That just sounds like your normal Sundays...

Me: But with more moping!!



She refuses to tell me fake comforting words that I insist on to give me instant happiness.